Could our immigration officials please show Clarkson some Xenophobia
“Every city needs a snappy one-word handle to pull in the tourists and the investors. So, when you think of Paris, you think of love; when you think of New York, you think of shopping; and when you think of London – despite the best efforts of new Labour to steer you in the direction of Darcus Howe – you think of beefeaters and Mrs Queen.
Rome has its architecture. Sydney has its bridge. Venice has its sewage and Johannesburg has its crime. Yup, Jo’burg – the subject of this morning’s missive – is where you go if you want to be carjacked, shot, stabbed, killed and eaten. “
Did someone tell him stories about being eaten or is it his very poor attempt at satire?
“You could tell your mother you were going on a package holiday to Kabul, with a stopover in Haiti and Detroit, and she wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But tell her you’re going to Jo’burg and she’ll be absolutely convinced that you’ll come home with no wallet, no watch and no head.
Jo’burg has a fearsome global reputation for being utterly terrifying, a lawless Wild West frontier town paralysed by corruption and disease. But I’ve spent quite a bit of time there over the past three years and I can reveal that it’s all nonsense.
If crime is so bad then how come, the other day, the front-page lead in the city’s main newspaper concerned the theft of a computer from one of the local schools? I’m not joking.
The paper even ran a massive picture of the desk where the computer used to sit. It was the least interesting picture I’ve ever seen in a newspaper. But then it would be, because this was one of the least interesting crimes.”
Define “quite a lot of time”. I spend at least 330 days here each year as do most residents. If he spends so much time here, then he should know that a lot of violent and other really bad crimes are not reported for two reasons:
1. The quality of journalism in South Africa is generally appalling.
2. Violent and other awful crimes are a matter of course here. They are therefore not usually news and are more usually reported inside the newspaper. Most crimes, violent, petty or in between are never reported in the newspapers. We occasionally get statistics showing us how much more subject we are to crime than most cities and countries on earth.
Why does he also not mention the name of the newspaper in question. Was it perhaps in reality a knock-and-drop paper, was it the notorious “Sun” newspaper (famous for ending almost every sentence with an explanation mark and reporting on matters as astounding as the ghost of the white man that haunted a black person) or did he simply make up the newspaper report?
“`Pah’” said the armed guard who’d been charged with escorting me each day from my hotel to the Coca-Cola dome where I was performing a stage version of Top Gear.”
The guard said “pah”? What on earth does that mean in any language, including in any of the African languages spoken in South Africa? Is Clarkson turning his hand to guess-what-I’m-thinking journalism?
“Quite why he was armed I have absolutely no idea, because all we passed was garden centres and shops selling tropical fish tanks. Now I’m sorry, but if it’s true that the streets are a war zone, and you run the risk of being shot every time you set foot outside your front door, then, yes, I can see you might risk a trip to the shops for some food. But a fish tank? An ornamental pot for your garden? It doesn’t ring true.”
Today, after I read his “article”, I was PHONED by family to be told that there had been a shoot out at Beyers Naudé Drive (one of Johannesburg’s main roads) between police and criminals and the road was completed blockaded for a while. A lot of innocent civilians would have been driving along that road and it is possible that there were innocent people walking along there too at the time (depending on where exactly the shooting took place). A short while later, I heard of a couple whose house had been burgled while they were in it. They were subsequently tortured, which included having their ears sliced off, and then they were murdered. A short while later, I heard of a shoot out between police and a motorist who had been driving on the wrong side of the road. The first shoot out I mentioned took place in the west of the city. The second shootout took place in the east of the city, a long distance away from the first one. I can tell you now I have not even heard all the crime stories that will be in the various newspapers. Even if I had heard all the crime stories for the day, those would represent only a fraction of the crimes that took place today in Johannesburg.
Last week, a woman and her daughter were raped and tortured in their own home. They were burnt with an iron and were beaten. I do not recall what else happened or if the mother survived – it is all a matter of course in Johannesburg and is in a sick way nothing sensational here. Yesterday, there was a violent attack on someone else – a man I think. I do not recall. There are too many crimes to recall.
“Look Jo’burg up on Wikipedia and it tells you it’s now one of the most violent cities in the world . . . but it adds in brackets ‘citation needed’. That’s like saying Gordon Brown is a two-eyed British genius (citation needed). “
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Clarkson may not have used the words “citation needed” in his article, but he certainly does need citations. His drivel can hardly be called journalism. It appears he has not even heard of the 5Ws and H.
“Honestly? Johannesburg is Milton Keynes with thunderstorms. You go out. You have a lovely ostrich. You drink some delicious wine and you walk back to your hotel, all warm and comfy. It’s the least frightening place on earth. So why does every single person there wrap themselves up in razor wire and fit their cars with flame-throwers and speak of how many times they’ve been killed that day? What are they trying to prove?”
A few years ago, a member of a dance troupe from Ireland decided to walk from the theatre to his hotel, which was five minutes away (I have often been to both that theatre and hotel but I know when to go and what to look for). He never made it to the hotel. He was murdered. If Clarkson chooses the wrong place or the wrong time, he will also be dead. And there is no guarantee in upmarket areas that you will not be a victim. In fact, I sometimes feel less safe in Sandton and other upmarket areas than I do in my own part of the city, because I know people in those areas are often perceived to have something to steal (and theft does not always come alone – it is with some regularity accompanied by rape and/or murder).
The idea that South Africans attach flamethrowers to their cars is ridiculous. There was a South African who invented such a device many years ago but people did not buy it and it was made illegal. Clarkson needs to catch up with the news or go work form some third rate celebrity gossip rag, where he can invent things as much as he likes. He wants to know why every person puts up razor tape and takes various security precautions. First, not everyone in Johannesburg does this. This goes to show again what kind of “journalist” he is. However, a large number of people take various security measures. They do not do this because they fancy it a hobby. That alone should tell them people in Johannesburg do not feel safe. The crime statistics bear Johannesburgers out.
“Next year South Africa will play host to the football World Cup. The opening and closing matches will be played in Jo’burg, and no one’s going to go if they think they will be stabbed.
The locals even seem to accept this, as at the new airport terminal only six passport booths have been set aside for non-South African residents.”
This “journalist” needs to learn how to get one paragraph to flow into the other. He also draws the brilliant conclusion, no doubt from inhaling too many car fumes, or perhaps the scent of his arrogance and ignorance, that there are only six passport booths for non-South Africans. Has he considered that it could simply be a case of inefficiency by the Airports Company of South Africa?
“At first it’s baffling. Why ruin the reputation of your city and risk the success of the footballing World Cup to fuel a story that plainly isn’t true? There is no litter and no graffiti. I’ve sauntered through Soweto on a number of occasions now, swinging a Nikon round my head, with no effect. You stand more chance of being mugged in Monte Carlo.”
Does he really think most people in Johannesburg want to ruin the reputation of the city? It appears he spends a lot of time speaking with bitter expatriates (not with those expatriates who give a balanced or even rosy view) Does he really think people have no right to complain when there is so much crime? Should everyone in Johannesburg accept the violence, the rape, the murder and so forth? Perhaps Clarkson should become the next minister of law and order in South Africa. Jackie Selebi told South Africans who did not like the unacceptable crime levels to leave the country; Clarkson would simply tell everyone to shut up.
“Time and again I was told I could buy an AK47 for 100 rand – about £7. But when I said, ‘Okay, let’s go and get one’, no one had the first idea where to start looking. And they were even more clueless when I asked about bullets.”
What an AK47 costs, I would not know. I do know that a lot of criminals still have access to these weapons, a “gift” years ago from the Soviets to Mozambique. Are these criminals simply good at holding onto their guns or are they able to buy additional ones? It is a disingenuous question to ask where an AK47 can be purchased. I do not know but then again I am not a criminal. Why did Clarkson not ask the police? I do not know where to buy bullets for a legal weapon but that does not mean they are not sold in Johannesburg. We have reports where AK47s are mentioned in some of the violent crimes. This happens more than once a year. Does Clarkson think all the South African media are guilty of fabricating nonsense the way he seems to like doing? Perhaps he thinks the local media enjoy adding tales of AK47s simply to spice up their “fake” stories about “fake” victims and they sometimes quote “fake” police and “fake” witnesses.
“As I bought yet another agreeable carved doll from yet another agreeable black person, I wanted to ring up those idiots who compile surveys of the best and worst places to live and say: ‘Why do you keep banging on about Vancouver, you idiots? Jo’burg’s way better.’”
Yes, Johannesburg is a great place to live but it has become incredibly dangerous. The same applies to the rest of South Africa. Does Clarkson think the waves of emigration from Johannesburg to other parts of South Africa but more so to Canada, the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Israel, the Netherlands, Argentina, Botswana and Zambia amongst others, represents a favourite pass time of Johannesburgers and South Africans in general? No one wants to leave South Africa or any country unless they feel there is something better elsewhere or unless they feel they have to flee something terrible. Crime is a major reason many Johannesburgers and South Africans flee.
“Instead, however, I sat down and tried to work out why the locals paint their city as the eighth circle of hell. And I think I have an answer. It’s because they want to save the lions in the Kruger National Park.
I promise I am not making this up. Every night, people in Mozambique pack up their possessions and set off on foot through the Kruger for a new life in the quiet, bougainvillea-lined streets of Jo’burg. And very often these poor unfortunate souls are eaten by the big cats.”
You can see the man has not been around Johannesburg much in spite of his self-proclaimed expertise. I would like to see all the “bougainvillea-lined” streets in Alexandra, Diepsloot, most parts of Soweto, Turffontein, Rosettenville, South Hills, Vosloorus, Orange Farm, Hillbrow, Berea and various other parts of Johannesburg. Has he even realised that there is abject poverty all around and inside the city?
“That, you may imagine, is bad news for the families of those who’ve been devoured. But actually it’s even worse for Johnny Lion. You see, a great many people in Mozambique have Aids, and the fact is this: if you can catch HIV from someone’s blood or saliva during a bout of tender love-making, you can be assured you will catch it if you wolf the person down whole. Even if you are called Clarence and you have a mane.
At present, it’s estimated that there are 2,000 lions in the Kruger National Park and studies suggest 90% have feline Aids. Some vets suggest the epidemic was started by lions eating the lungs of diseased buffalos. But there are growing claims from experts in the field that, actually, refugees are the biggest problem.”
Here we have another case of bollocks journalism. First, he makes it sound as though almost every Mozambiquean is HIV positive. What a load of drivel and what a great way to perpetuate racist stereotypes! Further, lions do not get HIV from eating HIV infected people. Also, feline AIDS is not a terminal illness among lions. They simply live with it, and only a small number of lions have it. He fails again to mention who these so-called experts are and he does not quote them. Does the man want to borrow my training manuals on how to write articles? Tis a pity I threw them away – I still remember the basic tenets of good journalism.
“That’s clearly the answer, then. Johannesburgians are telling the world they live in a shit-hole to save their lions. That’s the sort of people they are. And so, if you are thinking about going to the World Cup next year, don’t hesitate.
The exchange rate’s good, the food is superb, the weather’s lovely and, thanks to some serious economic self-sacrifice, Kruger is still full of animals. The word, then, I’d choose to describe Jo’burg is ‘tranquil’."
What is a “Johannesburgian”? Does “The Times” not employ sub-editors? Could I call a resident of Sydney a Sydenyian if I were too lazy to find out what the correct word is? I would never call a Sydneysider that because I am not lazy. The correct term for a resident of Johannesburg is a Johannesburger.
The exchange rate is only good for people earning in the currencies of the world’s wealthiest nations. Ask South Africans, particularly the poor (if they even understand it) what a weak currency is doing to them on a daily basis. The weather is very nice and Johannesburg is great to such an extent that if I were to leave Johannesburg, it would be for a city in another country. To describe it as tranquil is a slap in the face to every person who lives in this city because almost every person has been a victim of crime and/or knows family and friends who have been victims of crime.
Here is some of the “tranquility” I have experienced in Johannesburg:
In the 1980s, the maid we employed at the time lost children to violent criminals who broke into her house on several separate occasions.
In 1993 or thereabout, someone I grew up with was killed by a mob. I do not remember if he was first shot and then stabbed. I do not recall. So many people died and still do die. So much senseless killing.
In 1993 or 1994, I played a stupid joke on a fellow student. He was drawing money at an ATM on our university’s premises. I poked my finger into his back and told him in Zulu I wanted his money. He was frozen with fear because back then people were often held up at gunpoint at ATMs. Of course, it was not the only way people had their money stolen at ATMs and people still have money stolen there. After a few years, many banks introduced security guards at a number of their ATMs.
In 1996, the principal of the school where I worked just the year before was hijacked and shot. Ultimately, he died. I do not remember if it was that year or a bit later when we had a spree of highjackings in our neighbourhood. Our area had been specifically targeted by the hijackers. This was common in Johannesburg: different neighbourhoods were targeted by different groups at various times. The hijackers we had in our area were, like most, kind enough to shoot before asking people to get out their cars. Almost every day for a month or so we heard the names of people who had been hijacked and (in many cases) murdered and the streets they lived in. Many of these people we knew by sight. Some lived a few houses away, some around the corner, some a few blocks away. One family we knew had a daughter who was at school (I do not recall if she was in primary school or if she had just started high school). The highjackers, because they felt they could, put a gun to her head in front of her family and younger sister and pulled the trigger, even though the family had co-operated with their instructions. By some stroke of good fortune, the gun did not go off and the highjackers left with only the car.
In 1997 or thereabout my manager at the time lost a friend. His business was broken into and he was murdered.
In 1998 or 1999, one of my colleagues at work was hijacked. There was at that time a lot of hijacking taking place near our offices and each afternoon when I drove home I wondered if I would be hijacked or if I would even be alive to report a highjacking. People were shot in the middle of the street, often without warning or explanation. Sometimes it was “for fun” and the car would not be taken.
At least three times in the 1990s, my mother was a victim of a mugging or an attempted mugging. My father has been mugged at least twice between 2006 and the present day (I do not recall the exact years he was mugged).
In 1999, I believe it was, my car was stolen. It was, as is the case with most vehicles in South Africa, never recovered. The insurance company paid only part of the costs and my parents had to fork out a lot of money to make up the difference so I could have a car to go to work.
In 2005 one of my friends was murdered because some criminals wanted his cell phone. They shot him in front of his younger brother, whom they then forced into their car and terrorised before dropping him off in the middle of nowhere. My friend’s murderers were never brought to justice, which is typical of South Africa as a whole. Good luck if you were raped – your chances of a conviction are even slimmer and you are likely to be raped again by the legal system.
In 2008, one of my colleagues was the victim of two separate smash and grabs within one month. In the same year, a different colleague had her place burgled and a lot of things stolen. She collected those things over many years and cannot afford to replace them. She can barely afford to put food on the table some days. When she was burgled, they took more than possessions, they took a chunk of her life.
In 2009, two separate crews of South African Airways, were caught at Heathrow smuggling drugs. The security lapse appears to have been in Johannesburg.
I cannot recall how many times we heard on the news how people in an area of Johannesburg close to where I live were murdered with seeming regularity. This happened in the mid to latter part of the 1990s. Some of the people who lived in that area I knew. Fortunately (in some twisted way) for me, no one I knew was attacked or murdered.
For a number of years, luggage has been pilfered at an alarming rate at Johannesburg’s airport. Crime syndicates operated there often in cahoots with airport staff and security. The ACSA eventually took some action and reduced the pilferage but, as far as I know, it still takes place.
Last year, there were reports of tourists being followed to their hotels by criminals. As they got out at their hotels, they were attacked and robbed. They did not have an armed guard with them like Jeremy Clarkson.
I cannot even remember every other crime that has been committed against me, a family member, a friend, an acquaintance or someone known to someone I know. Most South Africans, Jeremy Clarkson, suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome. This is not brought on by the “tranquility” of Johannesburg or any other part of South Africa.
The next time you see women being raped or beaten in public by minibus taxi drivers, the next time you see students (students I taught) being mugged in the middle of the street for cell phones, textbooks and anything else, when you see innocent people being set alight in parts of Johannesburg, and when you have lived here long enough and developed some sense of compassion for other human beings, then tell me that this city is tranquil. Now tell me that people who live in Johannesburg are softies. You have no idea what most of us have been through, from the poorest to the wealthiest, from the townships to the suburbs, and yet we have an incredible spirit even when we feel everything is too much. Go judge someone else and dish up your superficial drivel to your vegetable garden. Johannesburgers have every right to fight to make our city a safe place; we have earned that right through our blood and the blood of loved ones.
By the way, Clarkson, I am a “poof” (you are well-known homophobe) and I support equal rights for women, you sexist prat.
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